Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
love makes seman taste better
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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