I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Randomize