I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I checked into jail on foursquare
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
