Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
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