Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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