My underwear smells like fireworks.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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