How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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