Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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