I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
