If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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