I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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