Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
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