Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
