does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
