Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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