There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
