i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
