All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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