why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
