Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
