We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
