You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize