I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I understand Curling. That high.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
