I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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