the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
