Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
