i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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