I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
