Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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