Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
people are starting to question the shark bite story
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
