Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
