I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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