Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
