we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
