I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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