Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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