I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
