I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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