if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
