you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize