He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
