You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
