i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
