went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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