I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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