In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
