im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
