We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
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