did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
