So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
