I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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