What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
