Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
