Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
