Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
