can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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