I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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