I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
