1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
time to smoke my breakfast
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
