I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
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