i would punch a child for taco bell
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize