You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Randomize
