He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
