My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
she smelled like a LAN party
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
