I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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